This is my second marriage. I was married to my first husband for 9 years. We discovered the wonderful sport of dog agility together and acquired 4 dogs together. We always thought we "might" have kids, but it just never came to fruition. And to be honest, I was perfectly happy NOT having kids. I had my dogs...what more could I hope/ask for?
Shortly after our 9th wedding anniversary, my then husband said he wanted to move out. And there was nothing I could do. A friend once told me about a book called "Uncoupling." In this book, it mentions how the person who wants to leave has been thinking about leaving for a while and there is nothing the person left behind can really do about it. The Leaver has come to terms with it while the Leavee feels blindsided. I, as the Leavee, was most certainly blindsided. Course, the fact that he was interested in another woman (a woman I had considered a friend) was the final blow.
Regardless, a few years later I met my current husband. I met him on the internet. There...I said it out loud...I met him on the internet. We met in person at a lake with our dogs. He has a big, goofy Golden (Calvin) and I brought my then dog, Rysa (she has since gone to the Rainbow Bridge). We hit it off and started dating. During our talks and time together, he mentioned that family was important to him and that he would like kids some day. I had resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't have kids since I was pretty darned old (36 at the time) and set in my ways. Besides, I really enjoyed my life of heading to agility trials whenever I wanted and judging any trial I felt like. BUT, I hadn't completely closed the door.
We were married in August, 2001 and a few months later, we thought we'd give it a go. We got "lucky" the first time we tried and Dani came along 9 months later (I was 38). We decided she needed a sibling and before you know it, Erin was born when Dani was just 17.5 months (I was 39...I was determined not to give birth after 40!).
I had a hard time adjusting to my new life. I now found that I couldn't just head off to any and every agility trial...that I had to consider my family first. This became a balancing act to which I was unaccustomed. I muddled through, but today realize that I'm not doing so hot. Maybe it's because dog agility is a world in which 85% - 90% of the people are either childless or their children are grown and out of the house. I always find myself envying them...because after a show they can go home, prop up their feet and revel in a good day. I go home, sort out what went on throughout the day, then take over from a tired and weary husband.
I find that with my girls, I reach a boiling point much quicker than with the dogs. With the girls, I am impatient and can't stand it when they cry. With Jam, I have endless patience and encourage her to bark (I taught her "talk to me" and she does...with wild abandon!). I am not the type of mom who can think up fun, cute or craftsy-type things to do with them on a dime. I have to force myself to play with them since I truly find it quite boring. I love them and would fight anyone to the death for their rights, but I always feel awkward and unnatural when I do anything with them. It's not a good feeling and I'm trying so hard to work through it.
I seriously doubt I'd ever win any Mother of the Year contests, but for me...I'm doing the best I can. I can only hope that I'm not permanently damaging my girls.
1 comment:
You can do it. I can't say I know that from experience, but I know it from observation of friend in agility who have successfully raised their children while agility was their profession and they were traveling to compete and teach. And while a great dog person, not a natural at the mothering thing.
But she always treated her son like he could manage for himself. Set clear boundaries and reasonable expectations (sounds like the way we train our dogs, doesn't it) and allowed him to make his own mistakes. She never felt compelled to make his life for him, but when she was home, she made sure that they did stuff together. They have a great relationship and her son is off to college next fall and is staying close to home.
Agility parents are different kinds of parents than the typical soccer mom. And if you look around, you will see that their kids mature early, are self-reliant and yet have great relationships with their parents.
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